How do you know when it's been enough? - Talk About Marriage

My question is a very common one, probably a clich?d one. But I've got to do something or I'm going to go crazy! I?m going to begin this the way I see a lot of women begin these types of letters. My fiance is great, amazing, respectful, and a really good match for me. But.

But I?ve always thought of relationships as having two parts: one part is the love, and the other is the reality. The love part between us, the personal relationship, the sex, trust, emotional stability and security, the things we have in common, is great. The reality part is not so much.

What I mean by that is we have been together for over a year now. I place a very high value on practical stability and security in my life, and it is one of my top priorities not just in my personal life but in any relationship that I cultivate. Things like financial responsibility and protecting my future (in terms of practical things) are essential to my own mental well-being. This relationship that I?m in only fulfills half of what I need to be happy in a long-term relationship. He has not held down a job for more than a few months for the entire time that I?ve known him. He isn?t terrible with money, but he tends to be a lot of talk and no action. He?s going to stop smoking cigarettes to cut down on expenses ? tomorrow. He?s going to do this or that to make things better ? tomorrow. There is no sense of security or stability in the practical sense with him. I am not willing to join our households, finances, and futures unless I am (reasonably) sure that they will be safe and protected, and the fact of the matter is that I am not at all sure that this is the case with him. He tends to displace responsibility for the state of matters ? it?s always someone else?s fault that things are the way they are. I can?t be happy supporting him; maybe this is a result of outdated gender roles, but it would not take many months of me paying the bills while he hung around at home to get resentful and angry. I hesitate to say he?s lazy or uncommitted, but if I was out of work and promising someone marriage and a home, I would be busting my ass to find anything and everything. I am ambitious and driven, and I just can't imagine spending all day at a demanding job to come home to someone who hasn't done anything.

This places our relationship at a stagnant point. I?m not willing to move forward (move in together, get married, etc) until that other half of what I need is fulfilled. But I don?t know how long I am willing to wait, either. I?m at an age where I want to be moving forward in a long-term relationship toward marriage. I hate being in purgatory, and I?m tired of hearing promises that it will all work out? someday. I?m tired of putting energy and time and love into this relationship and feeling like I?m running in place. Or worse, moving even farther away from those long-term goals.

Well, you say. Easy enough. The relationship is over, he won?t change, and it?s time to break up. It seems simple. But of course, if it were, I wouldn?t be this torn. The other day, I found myself saying: ?If it weren?t for money, we?d have the perfect relationship!? So, I ask myself ? am I seriously contemplating throwing away what would be the perfect relationship because of money? Am I that materialistic? And isn?t getting half of what you need better than getting nothing at all? And I can make a list a mile long of his good qualities, and the genuine effort he puts in to making me happy. He has changed for me. He has made radical differences to his life in order to make me happy and help give me what he knows I want. And it feels ? well, churlish and ungrateful and greedy to say that it?s not enough. That I expect more, that he ought to try harder and work harder. But.

But, well ? I do expect more. I do feel that he ought to try harder. Work harder. (I want to add in here that I hold myself to the same exacting standards.) And this completes the cycle. I fluctuate between hopefulness and grim resignation. Between love and anxiety. One day everything will be okay and the next, we?re worse off than before. This emotional back-and-forth is killing me. If it were all bad, I wouldn?t hesitate to end it. But, well ? I love him. He?s a really genuinely good guy. And yet? where is our future? When will it come?

Any advice, thoughts, comments, stories, or anything at all would be very welcome and appreciated.

Source: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/54378-how-do-you-know-when-its-been-enough.html

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